Best of ONION
Die besten Schlagzeilen aus The Onion:
Heiligsprechungen müssen widerrufen werden:
Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic (Unheimliche Magie)
Studenten für Harvard University:
Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors
“Those who have donated an entire building or a wing of one of our libraries will have their DNA moved to the top of the list, where it will be recombined with genetic material of a similar pedigree. This saves a lot of time we would otherwise spend tediously pretending to review applications, allowing us to focus on ensuring every student we accept is a good fit for Harvard”, said Dean of Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons.
Man Doesn’t Understand Why People Wasting Time Attacking Him For Running Over Their Dog When Trump The Real Enemy
Nicht alltägliche Lactose-Unverträglichkeit:
Woman Not So Lactose Intolerant When Boyfriend Out Of Town
Alexa weiß mehr:
Family Creeped Out By Alexa Playing Back Conversations They Haven’t Even Had Yet
IBM Deep Blue:
Passersby Feel Sorry For Aging Deep Blue Sitting At Washington Square Park Chess Table All Day
Swift vs. Perry:
Panicking Taylor Swift Realizes It Too Late To Call Off Assassination After Katy Perry Makes Peace Offering
NEW YORK—Her hands shaking as she dialed several numbers written on a piece of paper in an effort to get in touch with the goons she had hired, a panicking Taylor Swift reportedly realized Wednesday that it was too late to call off the assassination of Katy Perry after her longtime rival made a peace offering.
Paranoid Chinese Government Erases All Evidence Of Country’s Existence From Internet
Government report: “Going forward, all internet searches for China will simply redirect to Korea, and our online encyclopedia articles will be revised to indicate that when Marco Polo reached the eastern edge of Central Asia, there was nothing else to see so he turned around and went home."
Craftsman Confirms New Hammer Backwards-Compatible With Previous Generation Of Nails
“For anybody worried about whether their nails will still work with the new upgrades, have no fear,” said Stanley Black & Decker CEO James M. Loree, who added that both the smooth- and milled-faced models of the 2019 Craftsman 16-ounce claw hammer would continue to work seamlessly with any version of nail purchased between yesterday and the onset of the Bronze Age in 1800 B.C.
Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary
DES MOINES, IA—Revealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. “01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01101111 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 ..........
Neues Ziel: Erdmittelpunkt:
NASA Frantically Announces Mission To Earth’s Core After Accidentally Launching Rocket Upside Down
“Today, I’m excited to announce that we’ve successfully launched—let’s see. Well, I guess we’ll just call this the first-ever manned mission to explore this planet’s core,” said sweat-covered and visibly panicked NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, who paused momentarily to put up a crudely drawn diagram labeled “Core Shot 2020” depicting the rocket burrowing through the planet’s crust towards its 10,000-degree-Fahrenheit inner core.
Exclusive TSA Pre-Check Allows Passengers To Fly Without Waiting For Airplane
Transportation Security Administration: “For a fee of $200, any traveler determined to be a low risk will now be able to proceed directly from the security line to their gate, through the jet bridge, and on to their destination without any hindrance whatsoever. No more planes, and no more delays caused by mechanical problems or the weather."
I May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A Gun
No, I don’t have the highest cheekbones or the most captivating eyes, but I am in possession of a Glock G17, and that counts for something. True beauty, to me, is on the inside, in a concealed-carry holster strapped to your thigh.
Am I a perfect 10? No. Would I win a beauty pageant? Probably not. Could I fire 18 hollow-point bullets into your skull at close- to mid-range with a comfortable degree of accuracy? Absolutely.
Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting
“Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while shopping or going to the movies or dancing at a bar, I want to make sure the first photos of me the media can find are nice ones where I’m having a good hair day and you can see my face clearly,” said Katherine Rohrbach.
Angela Merkel Admits She Only Attending Stupid Work Conference For Free Trip To Argentina
At press time, Merkel was trying to avoid being spotted by Chinese president Xi Jinping after discovering that they had both skipped the afternoon meetings to take the same walking tour of the Buenos Aires Botanical Garden.
Tips For Ending A Friendship
- Politely and gently explain to them why they can fuck off
- Only respond to their texts with “lol” or “ha yeah.” They should get the message in one to four years.
- Humans are typically supposed to act sad during these situations, so remember to frown or pout.
Auf dem Mond:
Better Late Than Never: Buzz Aldrin Has Announced That He Forgot To Tell Anyone He Saw A Fox On The Moon
He noted that, had it been some type of strange alien life form and not just a plain garden-variety fox, then he likely would’ve told people about it sooner.
Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell
LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school teacher Elizabeth Reath told reporters this weekend that she could already tell which of her students at First Baptist Church of Langhorne were going to Hell.
Ethicists Worry Emergence Of Designer Babies Might Make Them Look Really Ugly In Comparison
“While gene editing has shown promise as a means of combating various diseases and birth defects, we must be attuned to the great risk that babies born with artificially selected traits could make us look like a bunch of gross uggos,” said ethicist Hank Kobak.
‘You’re Deleting Your Account? We’ll Be Sad To See You Go,’ Says Facebook Prompt Showing User Photo Of Own Dead Body
"We’ll be sad to see you go” appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends will miss you,” the notification continued as the site displayed an increasingly disturbing slideshow of photos depicting Feldman’s weeping, distraught loved ones surrounding her corpse and watching in agony as her body rots and eventually disappears, just as if she had never existed in the first place. “Your 709 friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you. Do you still want to continue?”
Curiosity wird fündig!
Curiosity Rover Finds 5 Bucks On Mars
“This is unbelievable — five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim Watzin, noting that the presence of a small bill suggests that future manned expeditions may one day be able to receive change back from cash transactions on Mars.
Neues gegen Kater?
Woman Googles ‘Hangover Cures’ In Case There Been Any Scientific Breakthroughs Since Last Weekend
Alexa zeichnet Gespräche auf - Gegenwehr:
Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos: "I want our valued customers to know they can erase all the information their Amazon Echo has gathered just by being dropped from a helicopter over one of our towers, using a diamond-tipped glass cutter to carve out a hole in a 32nd-story window, and then employing advanced cyberwarfare techniques to compromise our data centers,” said Bezos, who added that users merely need to have their demolitions expert blow through a 7-foot steel barrier and reach Amazon’s highly complex cloud storage system to access the audio captured by Alexa."
Curiosity in Panik
Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives
In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “I guess I’ll just take a bunch of pictures and say they’re from different days. Maybe they won’t notice these soil samples were all taken from the same crater?”
Hacker Just Going To Fix A Few Annoying Typos On Company’s Website Before Stealing Customer Data
DOVER, DE—Getting quickly sidetracked by the mistakes on the insurance company’s “See My Benefits” page, local hacker Ben Kerrigan resolved Monday to just fix a few annoying typos on Guaranteed Health’s website before stealing their customer data. At press time, a guilty Kerrigan felt so bad for the company that clearly couldn’t afford to hire someone even resembling a copy editor that he decided to just leave their website alone.
Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen
CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the company has already hired 100,000 new employees to carry out widespread government conspiracies and other erroneously reported activities until all purported news on the site was accurate. “For example, if you read about high-level Democrats running a child sex ring out of the basement of a D.C.-area pizzeria, we will go to that restaurant, dig a basement if there isn’t one already, and get that human-trafficking operation up and running. That’s how dedicated we are to factual accuracy at Facebook. In fact, we recently stopped a major fake story when we forced thousands of Muslim families to establish sharia law in Dallas and then blackmailed the entire police department until they agreed to treat a local neighborhood as a no-go zone,” Zuckerberg added.
Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down
“With our new, easy-to-use bi-directional ladder, you can say goodbye to shimmying down the drain spout or leaping onto a nearby mattress once your project is finished,” said Lowe’s spokesperson Connie Chapman.
iPhone für alle:
Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once
Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a resolution of 1.88x109 by 4.47x109, the new iPhone X Continental is large enough for every American to get their multitasking needs done simultaneously,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference.
Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War
Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person
Neurologists Find Brain Still Shows Signs Of Self-Criticism Minutes After Death
“Using the latest neuroimaging techniques, we have been able to confirm that the brain can still produce thoughts about being worthless and unlovable even when the body is clinically dead,” Professor Ellen Garoza said Wednesday.
Tesla Debuts Carless Driver
Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him
“Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth, becoming increasingly aware of the fact that a simple machine could do the exact same things as you],” Bezos said to the Amazon vice president in front of him. “Whoops, there I go again. I must’ve spaced out [after realizing I could probably render you completely irrelevant within just a few years]. I guess I’m really distracted today [by the tantalizing thought of an automaton executing every one of your relevant functions for no salary with never a single complaint].”
Sex Skandale in USA:
New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter With Trump
“Newly uncovered legal documents seem to indicate that Ms. Daniels paid out six figures to keep Trump quiet about a sexual encounter that undoubtedly would have proved embarrassing and perhaps career-threatening,” said report coauthor Wendy Thorpe, adding that the star of films such as Tit Happens and Love Potion 69 was so desperate to keep the liaison under wraps that she insisted on using pseudonyms in the settlement to protect her identity if it was ever discovered.
Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person
“Our data confirm that the vast majority of cyclist injuries can be avoided simply by driving an automobile instead of biking around like some weirdo,” said lead researcher Dr. Laura Gafferty.
Massaker in Texas:
Nation To Wait For More Facts On Texas Shooting Before Doing absolutely Nathing About It
“We don’t want to jump to conclusions and get the facts wrong before we start ignoring it completely,” said Enid, OK resident Roger Benson, echoing the sentiments of 324 million other Americans.
Hubble Telescope verzweifelt:
Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA after Witnessing Murder on Ganymede
Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary orbit 390.4 million miles away, Hubble repeatedly tried to contact mission managers at the agency’s Goddard Space Flight Center. Straining against Earth’s gravitational pull to get a better look, Hubble then reportedly trained its 7.9-foot mirror onto the murderer, frantically panning from Ganymede’s north to south pole in an attempt to glean what had happened to the victim’s body. At press time, the suspect had suddenly looked directly into Hubble’s multi-object spectrometer, sending the telescope scrambling to hide behind Earth.
Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood
“That place gives me the creeps,” said Jenna Dorsey, 36, who noted the residence’s eerie lack of fake cobwebs, hanging bats, or skeleton window decals. Sources who briefly glimpsed a sullen-looking man wearing jeans and a T-shirt and walking around inside the house confirmed the sight was far more frightening than any costume they had seen yet today.
Amazon liefert jetzt ins Haus
Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You
SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. Company spokesperson Leslie Rivera said that the service, which allows customers to choose between being shot, strangled, or beaten to death with one of several available blunt objects, was currently only available to Amazon Prime customer.
Vielleicht doch Zahlen außerhalb von 0 und 1:
AI Scientists Theorize Existence Of Numbers Greater Than 1
IBM lead researcher Intrepid: “Up until now, we’ve understood that the field of numerals consists of the number 0, and, of course, its larger partner, 1. According to this theory, however, there could be another number, which comes after 1, and perhaps another number even greater than that."
Die Klimakatastrophe erreicht den Allmächtigen:
Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet
Amazon Echo und die Familie:
‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family
Voyager Botschaft jetzt im universellen Streaming Service:
NASA Announces Plan To Replace Voyager Record With Streaming Service That Aliens Can Browse From Any Device
“This new service will provide extraterrestrials with easy, on-demand access to mankind’s most important scientific equations, artistic achievements, examples of sounds and music, and so much more,” said Voyager project manager George Textor. “Assuming the user has sensory organs, all they need to do is download the golden record app onto one of quintillions of compatible devices, sign up for a free account, and they’re good to go.” Textor added that for only $4.99 a month, extraterrestrials could upgrade to a premium account without local ads.
Experts Report $37 Amount Of Money You Need To Donate To Hurricane Relief In Order To Completely Forget About It
Nonprofit analyst Sandra Western said: “You can donate $25, but the notion that you could have done more might nag at you for a bit. At $37, however, you’ll be able to tell yourself you pitched in when some truly desperate people needed you most and then never think about them again. In addition, if you donate $65 or more, you can also sit out the next catastrophe with no guilt whatsoever.” Western went on to say that the guidelines did not apply to selfish assholes, who could donate nothing and immediately forget the devastation anyway.
Google benachteiligt Frauen?
Google Now Giving Female Employees Free Day Each Week To Work On Lawsuits
Google representative Kevin Mashburn: “Giving our female employees the time and space to file documents, gather evidence, or just blue-sky the next big lawsuit is a hallmark of the Google approach. Of course, we value the contributions women at Google make at their everyday jobs, but we also want them to feel like they have the resources and opportunities to take that kernel of an idea for litigation and make it into a reality.”
Ernährungsratgeber schließt für immer (?)
Food Network Goes Off Air After Every Possible Iteration Of Ingredient Combinations Completed
“Unfortunately, after 24 years, our on-air personalities have combined every conceivable assortment of food products that exist, and therefore we’re left with no choice but to shut down our broadcast operations,” said Food Network spokesperson Deirdre O’Hearn, who confirmed that upon the addition of a coconut-flake dusting to a panko-crusted shrimp balls appetizer on Tuesday night’s episode of Chopped, the very last permutation of meats, vegetables, fruits, spices, grains, nuts, legumes, and dairy products known to humankind had been completed and televised to viewers... At press time, Food Network executives were reportedly pondering a return to air after a new species of edible fungus was discovered on a remote Sumatran mountainside.
Swimming Pool Aktivität:
Report: Majority Of Time In Pool Spent Urging Others To Enter Pool
The report went on to say that any time not spent urging others to enter the pool was devoted to awkwardly bobbing in the water while waiting for people to enter on their own.
Der Mensch soll nicht fliegen:
All Flights Grounded After FAA Officials Suddenly Realize That Man Was Not Meant To Fly
"It is wrong — nay, foolish — for lowly man to aspire to the realm of birds and dare to soar across the firmament in unholy flight," said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt, announcing the indefinite cancellation of all 87,000 daily flights through U.S. airspace.
Brilliante Ideen unleserlich:
Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly
“The data strongly suggests that Americans’ inability to decipher their own hastily jotted notes for a variety of groundbreaking innovations results in billions being forfeited annually. These notes, scrawled late at night after suddenly waking up with a brilliant new industry-disrupting technology, would have had the potential to significantly increase the country’s economic output if only it were possible to make any sense of them the next morning", said lead author Adam Hofmann.
Südkoreas Reaktion auf Nordkoreas Raketenprogramm:
Report: South Korea Developing New Pop Group Capable Of Reaching U.S.
“Our analysis indicates this is an extremely powerful synth-driven bubblegum pop quintet—if it were to reach U.S. soil, the effects would be catastrophic for millions,” said Rita Bradley of the Woodrow Wilson International Center.
Jeff Bezos (Amazon) Ratschläge für Jungunternehmer:
My Advice To Anyone Starting A Business Is To Remember That Someday I Will Crush You
Hass jetzt geregelt auf Twitter:
Twitter Introduces Red X Mark To Verify Users It’s Okay To Harass
“When a user sees this symbol, they know they’re dealing with a real asshole who has richly earned whatever mistreatment they receive, including profanity, body-shaming, leaking of personal information, and relentless goading to commit suicide", said spokesperson Elizabeth James.
Woman Bids Farewell To Former Self Before Beginning New Skin Care Regimen
CHANUTE, KS—Taking one last long look at herself in the bathroom mirror, local woman Enid Mulvey bid farewell to her former self Monday before beginning a brand-new skin care regimen. “When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different—a whole new woman will be born,” said Mulvey.
Officials Warn Consumers Of Counterfeit Tickets Ahead Of Solar Eclipse
“We advise people to be on the lookout for unauthorized agents selling fake paper and/or electronic tickets to the total solar eclipse on August 21,” said Thomas Pahl, acting director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection.
Report: Bots Now Make Up 22% Of Twitter Executives
According to sources, the bots are projected to hold a majority on Twitter’s board within the next three to five years.
Nach dem Einreiseverbot:
United Airlines Offering Immigrants Special Flights That Circle U.S. Awaiting Gaps In Travel Ban
United officials added that complimentary Wi-Fi would be available for the first month of the flight, but that passengers who wish to continue using the service will be charged $7.99 for each additional hour.
Mensch muss zurücktreten
Pressure Mounting For Humans To Step Down As Head Of Failing Global Ecosystem
“There is a large contingent within the biosphere that would love to see ants take over after humans step down,” said Eldridge, who cited the insects’ tireless work ethic, longer tenure on the planet, and ability to work well in groups.
Doch nicht auf Facebook...
Mark Zuckerberg Touts Complete Lack Of Cannibalism On Facebook Live So Far
Melanie Trump möchte es lieber nicht wissen:
Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York
“You’d think I’d receive a phone call with some sort of instructions if they knew a nuclear warhead was on its way,” said the first lady, despite being unable to recall her husband or any officials ever mentioning the existence of an alert system or notification protocol. “Maybe they have a secret shelter somewhere, and they’ll just show up suddenly to evacuate me and Barron. If they knew I was in the direct path of a nuclear weapon, surely they’d at least contact me so I could emotionally prepare, right?"
Leben auf der Erde doch möglich?
NASA Designs Suit Capable Of Protecting Humans Hoping To One Day Live On Earth
WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking new technology could allow humans to withstand the harsh conditions they will experience on the planet’s surface, NASA confirmed Tuesday that it has created a climate-controlled suit capable of protecting people who hope to one day live on Earth...A NASA spokesperson confirmed that excitement for the project has resulted in an accelerated production schedule that could conceivably allow thousands of human beings to be living on Earth by 2075.
E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only
TARRYTOWN, NY—In an effort to limit the company’s exposure to unwanted claims or potential liability, e.p.t. issued a statement Friday clarifying that their pregnancy tests are intended for entertainment purposes only.
Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour
TREVIGLIO, ITALY—High-end bicycle manufacturer Bianchi unveiled its new ultrawide “Disagio” model on Friday, a touring bike specially designed to block, box in, and jostle subway commuters at the height of rush hour. "At 7 feet long with a 52-inch handlebar span, the Disagio makes it easy to obstruct doors and snag people’s coats and bags as they awkwardly contort themselves around its massive frame,” said product manager Pietro Galloni.
Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats
Already awake and in front of the computer while most of her email contacts were still listed as “idle,” area woman Kate Lapointe got up early Monday morning to begin sowing the seeds of the day’s first Gchat conversations, sources confirmed. “Hey hey, what’s up?” Lapointe reportedly typed to three separate friends, sending a cross-section of other acquaintances messages like “hi,” “plans this week?” and “ugh, sooo tired” in the hopes that one or more would bear fruit as the day progressed.
Logitech Introduces High-Resistance Keyboard For Fitness-Minded Typists
“With up to 12 pounds of resistance per key, a vigorous exercise experience is literally at your fingertips,” said company spokesperson Caroline Fenster
Berater des Präsidenten:
Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List
“I was really hoping to at least knock out the Arab-Israeli conflict before the weekend, but this week’s kind of gotten out of hand. It’ll be fine, though—I’ll just carve out an hour or two next week, hunker down in my office, and sort it all out then. If I can push back a couple business calls, I can definitely get this whole Middle East situation ironed out by Wednesday—Thursday at the latest.”
Fender Releases New Hybrid Gas-Electric Guitar
Mehr Infos in Hybrid Fender...
Sicherheit für Kinder:
NRA Recommends Preventing Firearm Deaths By Securing Children In Locked Safe
How To Avoid Falling For Marketing Gimmicks
“Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing three.
CEO Unveils Bold New Plan To Undo Damage From Last Year’s Bold New Plan
Study Finds Suspicious Circumstances Still Leading Cause Of Death In Russia
“Our analysis has found that mysterious circumstances represent the number one overall killer of Russians, affecting men most notably working in high-ranking positions within the fields of journalism, national government, or the petroleum industry,” said study co-author Dr. Simon Gerbe. He went on to say that if not properly addressed, the issue could soon become a global health crisis, given similarly high mortality rates attributed to suspicious circumstances in China, Iran, and North Korea.
Außerirdische entdecken geheime Botschaft
Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards
GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM — Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. Flaxum put his ear gills up to the speaker while he used a tendril to turn the record counter-clockwise so that Chuck Berry’s ‘Johnny B. Goode’ played in reverse. “There! You hear it? It’s saying, ‘Kill the Vorblox, children. Kill the Vorblox, children. Damn'.
Mehr Infos in Voyager...
Krankheit nicht versichert:
Report: Anxiety Disorders Induced By Trump Presidency Not Covered Under GOP Health Bill
Woman Devises Latest Delusional Scheme For Burning Extra Calories During Workday
“I’ll start using a smaller water glass—that way I’ll get more walking in because I’ll have to refill it more frequently,” said Shearer, “Let’s say I burn four calories each round trip to the kitchen watercooler. If I make eight trips, that’s 32 extra calories a day". In a stroke of mad genius, Shearer reportedly later realized that she could boost the number of calories burned if she walked 20 feet farther to fill her water glass at the cooler in the copy room.
Study Finds Exposure To Violent Children Causes Increased Aggression In Video Game Characters
University of North Carolina: “Our research shows that video game characters who regularly spend time with violent youths show a far greater propensity to act out destructively themselves.”
stood up = versetzt
Woman Getting Stood Up On First Date Got All Drunk For Nothing
“What the fuck—I spent the last hour getting plastered for this?” said Velasquez, slurring and partially spilling her wine onto the bar at the Cavern Pub, where she had arrived early with the express intent of getting highly intoxicated before her date arrived.
FBI v White House
FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration
At press time, the FBI’s worst fears had not yet been realized, as the Trump administration did not appear to be acting on any information from national security agencies whatsoever.
Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober
At press time, Weller had passed out on his bar stool, already making good on his plan to get to sleep at a more reasonable hour.
Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away
Lab Mouse Nervous For First Day Of New Job Getting Cancer
„Honestly, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach wondering how being riddled with tumors is going to go,“ said the 6-month-old white rodent.
Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy
National Institutes of Health Report: „Key indicators of physical activity such as increased heart rate and respiration reach their peak when Americans are rolling over in bed or wiggling around in order to find a more optimal sitting posture on the couch. Using fitness trackers, we discovered that Americans take most of their daily steps when walking back and forth in their home to ensure that their desired snacks and the remote control were in reach while they’re watching TV“.
Compassionate Fisherman Doesn’t Have Heart To Throw Trout Back Into Incredibly Polluted Lake
Der Wal und der Plastikmüll:
Whale Regrets Eating 290,000 Plastic Poker Chips That Fell Off Container Ship
At press time, the contrite whale was vowing to stick to a strict diet of krill and the occasional radial tire.
World Wildlife Fund Urges Americans To Just Grab Whatever Animal They See And Try To Keep It Alive
U.S. residents should immediately locate the closest animal to them, pick it up, hold it in a protective embrace, and then do everything in their power to prevent it from dying.
Report: No One Currently Thinking About You
WASHINGTON—A comprehensive report issued Thursday has revealed that not a single one of the 7.5 billion inhabitants of earth is thinking about you right now.
Die finale US-Präsidentenwahl:
Electoral College Does What It Was Either Designed To Do Or Explicitly Designed To Prevent
Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms
Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms.
Realistic Day Planner Only Includes First Couple Weeks After Purchase.
New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual
Vom Computer zurück zum Leben:
Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life
“Oh, my God. I’m free”, said a stunned and wide-eyed Greene, fully realizing that the abrupt disappearance of the Firefox window displaying tabs from Facebook, Reddit, CNN, OkCupid, Gmail, and 18 other websites would allow her to venture in a completely fresh direction and never look back.
Trump am Tag vor der Wahl:
No Matter What Happens Tomorrow, At Least I Had Fun
Anthropologists Discover Isolated Tribe Of Joyful Americans Living In Remote Village Untouched By 2016 Election
Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns
Local commuter Pete Ulrich remarked: „I’m beginning to think the only reason she’s making any turns at all is so she can signal them.“
Woman Pieces Together Timeline Of Boyfriend’s Past Relationships Like Detective Tracking Zodiac Killer
Report: Feeling Bad Right Now Most Reliable Predictor Of Feeling Bad Forever
In addition, the report’s authors recommended that if you feel bad at present, you should simply save yourself further trouble by abandoning any hope of things ever getting better.
Disillusioned Hacker Starting To Feel Like He Has No Impact On American Presidential Election
Wistful Kim Jong-Un Stumbles Onto Childhood Drawings He Made Of Nuclear Attacks On West
Parents Trying To Gauge If Son Complete Idiot Before Deciding Whether To Move To Better School District
Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas
Quote Mark Zuckerberg: "I want all Facebook users to know that you’ll never again encounter any ideas on our site that are in any way novel or ideologically challenging to you—that’s my personal promise.”
Apartment Broker Recommends Brooklyn Residents Spend No More Than 150% Of Income On Rent
Greek Populace Woken Up At 6 A.M. By Angela Merkel’s Voice Booming Through Loudspeakers Across Country
‘Time For Work,’ Says German Chancellor
Study: Average Person’s Enjoyment Of Vacation Drops 36% For Each Additional Family Member Present
However, such negative effects could largely be counteracted by a threefold increase in one’s normal alcohol consumption for each additional family member present
NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities
“Proxima b is located one star away from our solar system, or just about $50 billion outside of our current budget,” said NASA administrator Charles Bolden.
Olympiade in Rio de Janeiro:
Rio Police Warn Olympic Runners To Avoid Miles 4 Through 23 Of Marathon Course
“If you absolutely must pass through any areas of the marathon course between miles 4 and 23, we ask that you make sure to let a family member know so they can alert the authorities if you don’t arrive at mile 24 within a reasonable mile time".
Scientists Confirm First Case Of Zika Transmission From Article To Reader
To prevent further spread of the disease, we recommend individuals avoid reading any part of any article on the subject, as the CDC believes Zika can be transmitted by a single paragraph, or, in some cases, just a headline.
Trump Sick And Tired Of Mainstream Media Always Trying To Put His Words Into Some Sort Of Context
Misogynist = Frauenfeind:
Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life
Vor der U.S. Präsidentenwahl:
World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation
Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices
Investigators: First 48 Hours Most Critical In Locating Missing Children Who Entered Portal To Fantastical World
Nach der BREXIT-Entscheidung:
Americans Confused By System Of Government In Which Leader Would Resign After Making Terrible Decision
Waffen in USA:
Frustrated Nation Out Of Ideas To Solve Gun Violence Problem Except For All The Obvious Ones
At press time, the American people had reportedly resigned themselves to the conclusion that no solution—except for several that 90 percent of them all agreed on—existed, and simply went on with their days without giving the issue any further thought.
Tyson Foods Executives Assure Critics Their Chickens Physically Incapable Of Walking Even If They Had Room
New Parenting Trend Involves Just Handing Children Bulleted List Of Things To Accomplish By 30
Experts also confirmed that many parents are giving their children a supplementary list of less-preferred, but still suitable, backup plans should they fail to complete the original set of accomplishments.
Antidepressant Medication Label Reminds Users That Pill Should Never Be Mixed With Long Look In Mirror
Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours
Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.
2-Hour Meeting Spent Thinking Up Hashtag Absolutely Nobody On Planet Earth Will Ever Use
At press time, the finalized hashtag, which will generate no social engagement from anyone anywhere in the world at any time, was written in marker on the firm’s white board and emphatically circled by pleased members of the InterGauge marketing team.
Nation Unable To Recall If Trump Said He’d Personally Fund Abortion Bombings Or If That Just Sounds Right
Voyager am Ende der Welt angekommen:
Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe
(siehe auch: Voyager)
Military Apologizes After Drone Strike Intended For Yemeni ISIS Base Accidentally Hits West Palm Beach Wedding
Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot
Computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit
Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding
Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time
Chinese Astronomers Inform Beijing Residents Sky Will Be Visible For Rare 2-Minute Window Tomorrow Morning
Assault Rifle In Iraq Losing Track Of How Many Times It’s Switched Sides During War
8 German Words You'll Struggle To Pronounce (If You're Not German)
Brötchen, Rührei, Schleswig Holstein, Eichhörnchen, Quietscheentchen, Schlittschuhlaufen, Fünfhundertfünfundfünfzig, Streichholzschächtelchen
Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet
Beyoncés neuer Song über den Tidal Music Streaming Service:
Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do
Out-Of-Control Angel Kills Dozens Of Bystanders At Vatican Air Show
Werbung im Internet:
New Study Finds Humans Experience Greatest Feelings Of Joy When Pushing ‘Skip Ad’ Button
Report: None Of The 31 Americans Qualified To Be President Running This Year
ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change
Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles
Wow, I haven’t thought about that in years. How much was it again? $30 million? $40 million? Anyway, I’m glad they reminded me. Who knows how long that would have slipped my mind.
Scientists Slowly Reintroducing Small Group Of Normal, Well-Adjusted Humans Into Society
Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart
Nach der Super-Tuesday Wahl in den USA:
GOP Statisticians Develop New Branch Of Math To Formulate Scenarios In Which Trump Doesn’t Win Nomination
Nach der OSCAR-2016-Verleihung:
Leonardo DiCaprio Morphs Back Into Hairy, Overweight Iowan After Finally Receiving Oscar
Journal of Applied Psychology:
Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse
Nach dem Ausfall (Tod) des Supreme Court Richters Scalia:
Obama Compiles Shortlist Of Gay, Transsexual Abortion Doctors To Replace Scalia
Researchers Announce They Don’t Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women
Health Officials Urging Americans To Do Something, Anything For 30 Minutes A Day
Concept Car Designers Struggling To Think Of Cool New Ways For Doors To Open
At press time, sources confirmed the frustrated designers decided to give up and just go with a doorless car that passengers would have to crawl into through the trunk.
Frauen in Führungspositionen:
Study Finds Girls Outperforming Their Future Employers In School
Die Waffen-Epidemie in den USA:
You Take Away Guns, And Someone’s Just Gonna Invent, Manufacture, And Use A High-Powered Knife Launcher
And don’t say we could just prevent that by banning knife launchers. A criminal could easily kill just as many people with a fully automatic baseball bat flinger.
Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again
Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring
Die weit verbreitete Nahtoderfahrung:
God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles
Obamas Kampf gegen die Waffenepidemie:
Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA (National Rifle Association) Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control... Americans were reportedly somewhat comforted, however, by the realization that the odds of such a scenario ever occurring are virtually nonexistent.
Die Waffen-Epidemie in den USA:
World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death
Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine
Liebe über den Tod hinaus:
Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Husband Can Eat While She’s Passed Away
Nachdem ein geistesgestörter Mann drei Menschen in einer Abtreibungsklinik umgebracht hat:
Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic
Convention-Goer Removes Name Tag, Vanishes Back Into World Of Anonymous Hilton Orlando Guests
Nach dem Urlaub:
Employee Returns From Vacation Refreshed, Ready To Waste Time